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what i wanted to tell you
this is what i wanted to tell you last night in the loud restaurant the twenty something cologned couple laughing and fidgeting with their hands sitting way too close to us. this: you are not the sum total of your mistakes. you are the sum total of every time you try to reach for something. and i claim that calculation too, if we’re doing the math. this is what i wanted to tell you. i love you all the way into the cold telegraph night into the wondering and wishing it could have been, i love you all the way through to the headlights hitting the white garage door, and the light left on inside. unwound
some people talk about how they grew up they learned things they got older they got a job got a house got married had children had an illness accomplished and failed how their lives progressed. my life has been a dizzy spiral things that fell and broke things that caught and ripped i got drinks at the bar got prescriptions and hospital beds and got the children and the love but forgot them in a haze chasing death on the tracks. if your life, too unwound knotted thread yanked off the spool and it was like falling through the decades your feet never touching the ground you’re sleeping on the concrete or one step away in the hospital bed on the tracks in that bottle or pill or syringe laced haze: there’s something at the bottom. when you get to the end of the thread there’s the deepest love left on the spool. you will find you have a revolutionary heart beating in a rhythm they can’t trace. |
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August 2020
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